


I’ve Never Told Anyone

by SassyEvil666



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Jace Wayland, Child Abuse, Demon possession, Fear, Getting Together, Jace is keeping secrets, M/M, Parabatai Feels, Past Rape, Post Possession, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, Trust, Understandings, valentine is an asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2020-07-29 19:43:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20087719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyEvil666/pseuds/SassyEvil666
Summary: A bad past experience leaves Jace unable to have a relationship with a man without severe flashbacks, so he represses his bisexual side, choosing only to bed women. Will his possession, almost killing his parabatai and a certain Daylighter help him access the hidden side of himself.Canon divergence from Season 3 Episode 10: Erchomai*past rape/child abuse*





	1. Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> This book has some dark themes, including the abuse and rape of a child Jace. This idea is about why Jace is bisexual but can’t start a relationship with a man because it brings flashbacks, and he never dealt with it or told anyone because of the homophobic world he lived in.

“ _ They say the worst pain a shadowhunter can feel is the loss of his parabatai.” He pulled Alec’s face forwards “c’mere it’s time for Jace to finally feel it.” _

_Jace was screaming, begging himself not to do it. He’d do anything to stop that arrow gripped in his hands, from finding its target. But against his will the arrow sunk into Alec’s chest and Alec let out a scream that tore at Jace’s insides._

_Jace felt like he was being burnt alive and drowning all at once, his very soul was being tortured and ripped apart as he watched the life slowly draining from the person he loved most. His parabatai. His soulmate dying in his unloving arms_.

_ Jace couldn’t breathe, and he struggled against the pressure rising on his chest. _

“Jace”...

“Jace!” Alec was alive and gripping at his shoulders his fingers digging painfully into the skin. 

Immediately Jace pulled himself up out of the hard couch into Alec’s arms, clinging to him as tightly as he could while he gasped for air, his eyes screwed tight shut breathing in the smell of his parabatai ignoring the awkward position. Jace held onto Alec tightly as though he might disappear if he let go even for a second. 

Alec held on just as tightly back, and whispered comforting words against his skin. Alec knew Jace was trying to get as close as physically possible to him, and he wasn’t going to stop him. The need was mutual. Alec hated seeing Jace so vulnerable and scared.

“Oh.” A surprised gasp startled the two and Jace looked up without loosening his grip on Alec’s familiar leather jacket and saw Magnus standing in the poorly light doorway of Alec’s office. Jace must have fallen asleep while keeping Alec company, at least that’s what he tells Alec he’s doing, Jace would never admit it but he’s scared of not being with Alec, he was pretty sure Alec knew anyway.

Embarrassed that Magnus of all people saw his meltdown, he buried his face in the crook of his parabatai’s neck tears now silently slipping down his face. Alec was alive, it was his brown hair ticking his cheek, it was his chin resting on his head it was his office he was sitting in.

Jace moved his hands lower to the hem of Alec’s shirt lifting it, he felt Alec gasp at the press of his cold hand against his parabatai rune and immediately jerked back, but Alec grabbed his wrist placing his hand back on the precious rune which Jace began tracing with his shaking fingers as his breathing slowly returned to normal.

It reminded him of a different time, when he’d had nightmares of another time where he’d had no control over his own body, he’d never told Alec exactly what they were about but Alec still comforted him through every night terror without complaining or asking. 

“_This is your own fault, if you were better, this wouldn’t be happening.”_

_“If you were stronger you could stop this! But you’re weak.”_

_“Pathetic.”_

_“Disgusting.”_

Jace couldn’t control himself and burst into tears, his almost normal breathing was now irregular and forced, he could hardly breathe. The ghost of his voice haunted him, and he screwed his eyes tight shut, only to be greeted in flashes of his face, switching to Alec’s dying one and his sobs doubled.

Alec shifted slightly and Jace knew he was having a mouthed conversation with Magnus behind his back, he could feel Alec’s jaw muscles moving. 

Unwillingly and painfully slowly he pried himself away from Alec but his hands kept Alec’s shirt in a white knuckled grip held up so that the parabatai rune was still visible. Alec’s hands remained on his back and Jace knew that Alec could feel his whole body shaking.

Looking around at Magnus he could see his own tiredness reflected in the man’s face, his eyeliner wasn’t as perfectly applied as usual and his fancy shirt was wrinkled.

Jace was hit by a wave of guilt, realising that he had been hogging Alec’s attention. First he had tried to kill Magnus’ boyfriend, then he was the reason Magnus no longer had his magic and now he hadn’t given a single thought to how Alec’s near death experience might’ve affected Magnus. Jace had only thought about himself. 

He leaned to the side, and Alec knew what was happening a moment before it did and managed to grab the bin at the side of his desk holding it as Jace threw up, tears still streaming down his face.

“D-do you want-“ Jace hated how his voice was so weak “Do you want m-me t-o leave?”

“No of course not Jace.” Alec said leaning away from Jace to put the bucket on the floor and cupping Jace’s face with the palm of his hand “Why? Do you want to leave?

“No,” Jace admitted doubling his grip on Alec’s shirt “It’s just I haven’t let you two have any time together.”

Alec sighed and glanced at Magnus who stepped forwards slightly wrinkling his nose at the smell and waving his hand and Jace’s vomit vanished. 

“Jace.” He murmured and when Jace flinched he raised his hands in surrender, Magnus knew how scared and jumpy people got after nightmares, even Jace it seemed. Magnus hated Jace looking like this as it made him understand why Alec fell for him, Jace only seemed to show his vulnerability to Alec. “You’re in pain, it’s natural to want to be with the ones you love, especially the one you love most.”

“I’m not the only one in pain.” Jace sniffed in protest and Magnus’ heart clenched as he recognised the feeling of utter worthlessness and self loathing in Jace’s voice. The conditioned feeling that everyone else’s emotions mattered far beyond your own.

“Jace.” Magnus sighed then said bluntly “you died, then you were possessed, you killed all those people, your grandmother, then you tried to kill your own parabatai and as soon as you realised what you were doing you found out Clary had died as a result of your possessed actions. I think you’re feeling the most pain right now.”

“Your magic.” Jace was shaking as he whispered noticing that Magnus hadn’t included it.

“Wasn’t anything to do with you. It was my choice, my choice to give it up and I would do it again if it would save you.” Magnus paused “you’re not only my boyfriend’s parabatai, you’re my friend.”

Jace who’d only just regained control, began to cry again.Alec pulled him back into his arms. It took a while for Jace to calm down and when he did, for the first time since he’d died all those weeks ago he wanted to be away from Alec.

Prying himself away from Alec was slower and more painful than he expected, but when he was finished forcing the last finger to release his parabatai, he stood up, swaying slightly on his feet. Alec caught his hand intertwining their fingers, they hadn’t held hands in a long time. He relaxed as he felt Alec’s thumb brush the back of his hand.

“I think I might go out.” He murmured squeezing Alec’s hand slightly.

“You don’t have to.” Magnus said softly he had reached Jace’s side now and placed a hand gently on his shoulder.

“You want to don’t you?” Asked Alec and when Jace nodded, Alec rose to his feet to grabbing his other hand “You know you can talk to me about anything right?” 

”I know, but not right now.” 

”Even if you think it’s small, I want you to talk to me.” Alec pressed on moving so that one of his hands held both of Jace’s and the other cupped his face “whenever you’re ready I’m here. I’ll always be here for you.”

”I know, thank you.”

”Jace.” Jace turned so he was facing Magnus “There’s a lot of things happening in your life that are out of your control, I’ve always found that doing something you can control helps, go outside and do something you’ve never done, be in control make your own decisions for a while.”

”Just promise me you won’t go out drinking.” Alec said letting go of his hands and Jace had to stop himself from reaching back out to him.

”I won’t.” Jace lied forcing himself to walk out of the office and then the institute and ten minutes later he walked into Hunters Moon.


	2. The Hunter’s Moon

The bar was loud. There was the usual drunks staggering around ordering more and more drinks, Maia had lost track of which bar-goer’s wife had cheated on him, which one’s kid had finally gone to college and which one’s mundane wife was just shipped out for the military. The door opened with a creak, it was a familiar creak, but one she hadn’t heard in weeks. 

Maia sighed as Jace crashed into his regular seat at the bar. She’d already poured three of them when he ordered his five shots. Wiping down the bar with a damp blue cloth to clean up the drops of alcohol that had spilled out the top of the bottle before pushing the drinks to him.

“Thanks.” He muttered so quietly that she wasn’t sure if she’d actually heard it or just seen his mouth move. Maia knew something was wrong, Jace was never quiet. She didn’t have to ask what, everyone knew about what he did while possessed.

Out of the people she’d seen Jace looked the worst for wear, they were all mourning and she’d seen many of the gang at the bar more often than not, except Jace had disappeared. Now she could see he had massive bags under his bloodshot eyes, he looked like he’d been crying, his blonde hair was ruffled and his hands shook as he went to pick up the glass.

Maia turned to another customer who’d clicked their fingers obnoxiously at her. 

“You do that again and you won’t have fingers to snap.” But she continued to watch Jace from the corner of her eye, he was still playing with the first shot glass, running his finger over the rim but not drinking it.

Another half hour, several drunk sob stories and a rowdy fight later Maia returned to Jace, all five shots were still full and untouched.

“Everything alright?” She asked resting her forearms on the bar and leaning forwards though she knew it wasn’t.

“No.” Jace said in a voice that spoke volumes about how he didn’t want to talk to her, it was a good thing she didn’t really give a shit whether he wanted to talk or not. 

“The fuck is wrong with you.” She growled feeling her eyes flashed green and Jace scowled.

“Shut up.”

“Is this about Alec or Clary?” Jace flinched and his jaw tightened but he said nothing.

“Ah both. You going sober?” She asked gesturing to the full shot glasses.

“I promised Alec.” Jace rubbed a hand over his eyes his voice cracked on the sentence and Maia noted with sadness the absolute fear in his voice, she knew how much he cared about Alec “I don’t want to let him down again, but-“

“You really want to drink.” Maia knew the feeling. She raised a hand to her hair and twirled a strand around her finger before dropping her arm back on the bar. She didn’t want to admit it but she cared about Jace, she’d had feelings for him at a point, but they were very short lived. After Simon asked her out she’d forgotten all about them. Speaking of Simon.

“Simon broke up with me.” She said and like she hoped it distracted him slightly she saw Jace’s eyes light up and his lips twitch at the sound of Simon’s name, as though he wanted to smile but wasn’t sure why. Simon had that affect on people.

“Really, why?” Asked Jace. So Maia ranted and ranted to Jace about Simon breaking up with her, but why the fuck he had to be so nice and mature about it? Why the fuck.... 

Maia thought this would take Jace’s mind off of everyone wanting him to talk about what happened and it allowed him to rant about stupid things, avoiding things they needed to talk about. She knew she’d been right when Jace started to talk about how stupid it was that Simon didn’t shut the hell up ever and Maia didn’t deserve to be put through his constant annoying vocals. It didn’t matter that he was nice if he didn’t know how to shut up. 

“I bet he even sleep talks.” Jace scowled and Maia was sure she heard a note of fondness in his voice. She knew Jace was emotionally stunted, but Maia thought that not being able to admit he saw Simon as a friend was a bit assholey. She grabbed one of his shots and drained it. 

“Hey!”

“Don’t worry it’son the house, you weren’t drinking it.” 

Maybe it was Maia’s imagination but Jace already looked better. As much as she hated to admit it, ranting at Jace had been the time where she unwound and relaxed, getting to air out her problems to someone with just as many if not more, someone who wouldn’t judge her, she’d missed it when Jace had stopped coming to her bar. It was kind of therapeutic in their own messed up way. 

“Hey.” Maia scowled at Simon’s voice, she hadn’t even noticed he had entered, although she didn’t want to lose her friendship with Simon, it didn’t mean that she wanted her therapy session with Jace to be over so soon. 

After pouring Simon a drink she realised Jace had closed off again, he had crossed his arms and he was leaning away from the bar, a classic sign he didn’t have anything else to say to her.

“I’ll leave you two to talk.” Then to break the ice and the suddenly very awkward atmosphere she said jokingly “As much as Jace doesn’t like to admit it, he likes you a lot.” Out of the reactions Maia had expected what actually happened hadn’t even crossed her imagination.

Jace jumped and his hand slipped and knocked over a shot glass spilling the drink everywhere and blushing, he stood to clean up the mess while cursing. Fumbling and knocking over the other glasses. 

“Fuck sorry.,” He stuttered out “I d-don’t like that Mun-Vamp- whatever,” Jace had finally managed to set the glasses upright. “I need to get out of here I’ve got- I’ve got- WORK, I’ve got work to do.” Jace ran a hand through his hair, he backed out of the bar hitting his own chair to the floor in his rush, stopping just long enough to pick it up before speeding out the door, almost running into a drunkard who yelled at him to be careful.

But while Maia had noticed Jace’s out of character behaviour, she’d more been focussed on Simon, whose eyes had totally checked Jace out raking up and down his body. Simon’s eyes had without a doubt followed Jace to the door with an intensity that she’d never seen on the Daylighter’s face before. And the look on Simon’s face was one of absolute fondness and- -love?” Maia realised in shock the reason Simon had broken up with her. He was in love with Jace Herondale.

“Welllllll.” Simon’s eyes snapped to her and she was sure if he could blush he would do. “I’m sure people have been dumped for less. At least Jace is pretty.”

“Huh?” Simon asked loudly “I have no idea what you’re talking about! I would never like Jace in that way! I mean sure he’s ripped and gorgeous and looks like a sex god, and his eyes, don’t get me started on his amazing, unique eyes, with the mix of colours. He’s so perfect. But I couldn’t possibly have a crush on him, he’s an asshole, well a protective and self sacrificing asshole, a brave asshole, but I have no romantic feelings towards him.” He cut himself off as Maia began laughing. “Okay I have a little crush.” Maia raised an eyebrow “Okay a huge crush. But don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t, but I think your eyes might, besides you’re in luck, I think he might have a crush on you too. Did you see the way he blushed and fumbled, he became so clumsy the moment I implied he liked you.”

“You think so? He can’t! Jace is straight. As straight as a ruler, and I’m me, so even if he was into guys why would he be into me. And now I feel like an asshole talking to my recently ex-girlfriend about the guy I dumped her for who just so happens to be the kind of ex-boyfriend of my dead best friend.” His voice cracked with emotion at the last sentence and his eyes looked wet.

“I don’t think you’re an asshole, no one can control how they feel and who they feel it about.”

“Still.” Simon looked so much like a kicked puppy that Maia took pity on him.

“You should go talk to him, even if he doesn’t like you back, at least you can be friends.” Maia said, but her heart felt heavy in her chest as Simon jumped from his seat and Vamp-sped to the door without so much as a goodbye.


	3. Hang Out

It took him only five minutes to track Jace down. He was walking down the street between two shops when Simon saw him.

“Jace!” Simon called grabbing his arm and dragging him into the alley. It hadn’t been the smartest idea as now Simon was pressed up against the wall with a knife at his throat. “It’s me, it’s me!”

“Simon I could have killed you!” Jace gasped and although his face went pale, Jace kept Simon pressed against the wall.

“I just wanted.....” Simon cut himself off, Jace looked scared, like he was living a nightmare, he changed his question to something else he’d been planning on asking“Can you help me train? Teach me how to fight?”

Jace hesitated, Simon still had the mark on his forehead, and if it thought Jace was threatening Simon, well he didn’t want to be turned to salt. Besides he wasn’t sure how he felt about the Daylighter, expect that he was annoyingly talkative and excitable in a rather endearing way. But Jace didn’t need friends, it was why he walked out of the Hunter’s Moon. He had Alec and Izzy- maybe Maia- Clary proved that he shouldn’t get close to people. He shouldn’t love them, he only destroys them. He didn’t want to destroy Simon.

“Simon the mark.” Jace said harshly “I don’t know whether you thought this through, but I don’t want to get turned to fucking salt.”

Simon flinched remembering those possessed people flying through the air only to fall to the ground as salt. He knew Maia had been wrong, Jace did not have feelings for him. If he did, he wouldn’t have sounded so angry, and he wouldn’t still have the damn knife at his throat.

“So we’ll need to figure a way to get rid of or controlling it before starting.” Jace continued removing the knife from his neck and smirking “come on.”

“Wait wait.” Simon stuttered “You’re actually going to help?”

“Sure, I’ve got nothing better to do, I could use the distraction.” Jace winced as he shook out his arms, slipping the knife back into its place and continuing off down the street. 

“Right right.” Simon muttered under his breath, before running after Jace’s retreating figure, he really hoped Jace could get the mark removed. “So where do we start?”

“Well we need to get permission to have a audience with the Seelie Queen.” Jace bit his lip thoughtfully. “Alec’s the head of the institute, he can get the authorisation, but it may take a while.” 

“Okay.” Simon sighed “how long?”

“About a week.” Jace said after a pause. 

“A WEEK!” Simon yelped and all the mundanes walking around them stared at him in confusion. “Why that long?”

“Cause it’s not deemed of the uppermost priority. If anything, the Clave and the Seelie Court want the mark to remain. They’ll want to use it against their enemies. Use you against their enemies.”

“Okay so can you get Alec on that?” Simon cut across Jace. “And while you’re at it, can you quit the dramatic monologues?”

“Can you quit the rambling?”

“Yeah that’s actually a good point. I’m really not that good at the whole not talking thing, my mom says it’s because I have a need to fill silence.”

“Yeah Simon?” Jace interrupted waving his phone in Simon’s face “I’m calling Alec, I need you to shut up.” He paused “Also I’m glamoured, you’re not, so all the mundanes think you’re crazy and talking to yourself.”

“JACE!” Simon yelled before wincing as everyone stared at him. He quietened, hoping no one he knew had been seeing this. 

“Simon please I’m on the phone,” Jace stepped away from Simon as he aimed a hit at him and pressed call.

Alec picked up on the first ring and Jace had a suspicion that he’d been keeping a close eye on his phone since the moment Jace walked out of his office.

“Are you okay, do you need help?” Alec Asked desperately “Where are you?”

“Alec I’m fine.” Jace said somewhat truthfully Simon’s need to get the mark off of his forehead had calmed Jace, given him an objective something to focus his attention on, a mission to lose himself in.

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Can’t I just call my parabatai?” Jace asked semi-teasingly. 

“Yeah of course, it’s just our parabatai rune has been going crazy.” Alec’s voice had pitched slightly “I thought you might’ve tried to go on a hunt by yourself or something.”

“No, I’m actually with Simon right now.....”

“The munda.....vamp..... Daylighter?” Alec sounded confused and maybe just a little hurt “Since when are you two hanging out?” 

“Since now, I need you to get an audience with the Seelie Queen.” Jace replied somewhat defensively

“Why?”

“To get that mark off of Simon’s forehead.”

“No!”

“Alllllllllllllllleeeec!”

“No, that mark is invaluable. It’s an asset we can’t afford to lose.”

“Don’t bullshit me Alec.”

“Fine,” Alec paused and Jace could hear him breathing heavily. “The Clave doesn’t want to lose the mark. They won’t grant us permission to request an audience with the Seelie Queen.”

“Screw the Clave.” Jace said with such venom that Simon actually flinched back from him. He pressed a finger to Simon’s lips as he opened his mouth to talk, so he could concentrate on what Alec was saying.

“I agree but we can’t give them anymore trouble.”

“Just try please.” Jace could tell Alec was rolling his eyes and heard him sigh loudly.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks Alec.”

“Yeah yeah, is that all? Magnus is wondering what’s taking me so long.”

“Oh yeah sorry for interrupting tell Magnus, me and Simon say hi.”

“Will do, and do me a favour don’t go out by yourself.”

“Fine I’ll stay with Simon. Bye.”

“Bye.” Alec ended the call before Jace had removed the phone from his ear.

“Sooooooo?” Simon whispered softly, lips moving against Jace’s finger, Jace felt his face flush and he quickly withdrew his finger and started fiddling with the bottom of his shirt ”What’d Alec say?

“What I expected, the Clave doesn’t want the mark removed, but Alec is going to try and figure something out without alerting them.”

“Isn’t that bad or wrong or something?” Simon asked as he watched Jace move his hand, his fingers were still fiddling with the shirt, but the palm of his hand was now pressed against the patch of skin where Simon knew his parabatai rune was. 

Jace made a noncommittal wave of his free hand and made a ehhhhh sound. With this informative answer Simon asked his next question.

“Sooooo you’re going to hang out with me for a bit?” Simon Asked a grin spreading across his face.

“Don’t get cocky, I’m only doing it because I’ve got too much pride to go back to Maia, Izzy is out on a mission, Alec is with Magnus and Luke is working so you’re my last option.” 

“Ha ha, don’t be an asshole!” Simon pointed a finger at Jace “you like hanging out with me admiiiiiiit itttttt.” 

_Love is weak, if you were strong enough you wouldn’t need anyone else. To love is to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed. Besides who would love you?_

“I have enough friends.” Jace scowled at him the shift in his mood from teasing to tense made Simon realise he’d touched a nerve. 

They continued walking down the street in silence for a few minutes until Simon finally cracked and blurred out

“Hey have you ever seen Brooklyn Nine Nine?” 

“What?” 

“It’s a police sitcom.”

“No?” Jace looked genuinely confused as Simon gasped in shock and grabbed his arm.

“You must see it now!” He took off running down the street dragging Jace behind him.


	4. Brooklyn Nine Nine and Flashbacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. Here is the fourth chapter. Please enjoy but note there is a reference to past rape in this chapter.

Simon ushered Jace through his front door and into his bedroom where he kept his tv. Clambering on the bed he waited a couple of seconds before dragging a hesitant Jace down beside him so they were sitting beside each other leaning back against the propped up pillows.

Grabbing the remote from his beside table he turned on the tv and took a moment to open Netflix and select Brooklyn Nine Nine. As the episode began to play Simon found himself watching Jace’s reaction rather than paying attention to the show itself. Jace had seemed rather reluctant to laugh or even smile as the episode progressed.

“I think Alec would like Holt.” Jace whispered softly to Simon as the episode ended“The leader, serious, rule-following gay.” Simon snorted and turned to the tv as the next episode auto played before he did something stupid and kissed those now smiling lips.

“Who is your favourite?” Simon asked and caught a glimpse of excitement in Jace’s mismatched eyes.

“Rosa.” He replied shortly “She’s badass and speaks her mind.” Simon honestly shouldn’t have been surprised. Rosa was one badass female, and he kinda thought Jace might have related to her somehow.

Simon actually payed attention to this episode, so much so that he jumped when he felt a weight drop onto his shoulder about half way through, glancing down he realised it was Jace, he’d fallen asleep. Smiling softly Simon turned off the TV and gently moved Jace so he was lying on the bed.

Jace looked peaceful when he slept, he wasn’t as tough looking, he was soft and innocent. Simon was at a loss, what should he do, he had no idea. After several minutes of watching the slow rise and fall of Jace’s chest, he made up his mind.

Reaching into Jace’s jacket pocket and removing his phone without disturbing him proved a challenge, Jace it seemed was a twitchy sleeper, his body moved around and when Simon finally got the phone out, he found it to be password protected.

Praying that Jace had Touch ID, Simon placed Jace’s right thumb onto the home button. Sighing in relief as it unlocked. He took a while to find Alec’s contact, he wasn’t under ‘A’. When he finally found what he believed to be Alec’s name, he almost burst out laughing.

“Parabatall” He whispered smirking he was sooo teasing Jace about this. He hesitated for a moment longer before calling.

“Jace hey, about the Seelie Court, the Clave has declined setting up a meeting, but, I was looking through the library and found a book that referenced the Mark. It referred to another book, which I dug around and found that the Clave seized and destroyed all the sold copies, expect one. Valentine’s which they couldn’t find because he’d disappeared to the one safe house the Clave didn’t know about until recently, the one he raised you in, so I think we should....”

“Uhhhh hey Alec, it’s Simon.”

“Simon? Where’s Jace, is he okay? Is he...”

“He’s fine he fell asleep at my place, I called to let you know that.” Simon cut across quickly before Alec started yelling at him.

“Oh.” Alec sounded confused but also kind of relieved “I would come get him but I am about to enter another meeting, if I skip it it will give the Clave another reason to deem me ‘unsuitable’ so just make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid please.”

“I am not babysitting him. He’s not a child.”

“I know but he is reckless and selectively stupid.”

Simon snorted “Hey quick question what’s Jace’s contact name in your phone?”

“Goodbye Simon.”

“Actually it’s Love Simon.”

“What?”

“It’s a movie...”

“Okay I am hanging up now.” Alec sighed 

“Wait Jace will stab me if I.....” beep. “Wake him up... well I guess you better not wake him up moron.”

Just then Simon felt the urge to sneeze, not the dainty one that sometimes came from sniffing his sister’s perfume but a huge violent one that came from inhaling pepper fumes. He could hold it and let out a humongous sneeze.

Jace bolted upright in the bed looking around frantically his face contorted with fear. Jace’s hands were pressed tightly against his parabatai rune and he didn’t seem to know where he was.

“Jace.” Simon called softly, like one might do to a spooked kitten. “Are you okay?” If Simon had been hoping to console Jace he’d been terribly ineffective as a second later Jace buried his face into his knees and his body shook with silent tears.

Jace needed to get away, he was hardly able to breathe, he needed Alec, and Simon being here with that insanely caring look wasn’t helping. Jace sobs increased as the voice in his head laughed, laughed at how weak he was, how easy he was to control, to use.

_“You like it, don’t try and deny it. You want this.”_

His sobs doubled, and he was so far trapped in his memories that he forgot to feel embarrassed about Simon. He needed Alec. Unbeknown to Jace his eyes glowed gold as his parabatai rune activated shining through his ruffled shirt and Alec’s at the institute did the same.

_ The body pressed up against his was unforgiving. _

_“Stop.” Jace was crying, he knew he shouldn’t be, he shouldn’t cry, it was weak, it was wrong. Micheal slapped his face._

_ “Behave or this will only take longer.” Micheal paused grinning at him through the darkness “I’m pretty sure you’d like that wouldn’t you, you dirty little whore.” As he spoke Micheal moved his hands down Jace’s small naked body . _

”Please, stop please don’t, please don’t do it stop please, I’m sorry, let me go please.” Simon had never heard anyone let alone Jace beg like that, and he had a sneaking and terrifying suspicion why, and it was for that very suspicion that he didn’t touch Jace, Simon wanted to keep the stimulus Jace had for his flashbacks at a minimum, scared that if he touched Jace, Jace might think it was someone else .

Jace was dragged back to reality by his phone screaming loudly. Simon handed it over mechanically. Jace fumbled with it his movements clumsy and unfocused. Trying to read the name on the screen through his watery eyes.

“Alec.” He gasped as soon as he recognised the name, he answered the call his hands shaking. Alec, Alec would help, Alec wouldn’t hurt him. Alec loves him.

_To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed._

“Alec!” He repeated his voice trembling, the need to hear his parabatai’s voice overpowering any horrific memory of his past. Alec had always managed to drag him back from any and all dark places he went.

“Jace are you okay?” He could tell Alec was worried. “I could feel so many emotions coming off of you! Are you hurt? The bond burned.”

“No.” Jace sniffed his voice high pitched with the hysterical crying “I’m fine.” He heard Alec snort, he could practically see Alec giving him the classic “I’m trying to help you, don’t be a dick.” Look that had helped Jace in the past.

“Don’t lie to me. What’s wrong? What do you need?”

“I’m scared. I need you, keep talking.” Jace admitted quietly and he heard Simon gasp, but ignored him.

”What do you need me to talk about?” He heard the desperation in Alec’s voice, the need for Jace to be okay.

“Why’d did you choose me as your parabatai?”

”What? Jace I didn’t choose to be your parabatai, I needed to be your parabatai. I don’t think I ever would’ve chosen anyone else, but if you did I would’ve broken. You keep me sane, you keep me safe, I need you more than I need anything else in my life, I could survive anything as long as I have you. You’re the one who understands me best Jace. You being my parabatai is the only choice in my life I have never questioned.” Alec paused when he noticed that Jace was no longer hysterical. 

“I love you Alec.” Jace said softly, so quietly that Simon standing only a few feet away from him could only hear it because he was a vampire. And Simon felt sick, of course Jace loved Alec. Maybe the only reason they weren’t together was because of the law? Maybe they were and keeping it a secret.

”I love you too Jace. Are you going to be okay? Do you need me to come to you?”

“I’m okay Alec. I know you have that nerdy meeting today.”

“I’ll drop it immediately if you need.” Alec said and Jace could be the sincerity and conviction in his voice.

Trembling Jace lied through his teeth and told Alec to get back to his meeting before quickly hanging up the phone. Unfortunately he’d forgotten all about Simon.


End file.
